I love you, life!

One year ago, on March 21st we left our home in Taray, Peru behind the wheel of Lollipop.

13 years ago, on March 21st 2005, there showed up in our lives Carla. Even now, when I write these words, memories flood my conscience and my hands tremble with emotion.

Yes, you can mumble in writing too when a tsunami of emotions invade you and fingers press the keyboard unconsciously. You can’t put into words the emotions of a father therefore I consider these words a mere attempt.

Today there are 13 years since my life changed. 13 years of fatherhood, 13 bedazzling years of bouncy emotions that dragged me from one self to another.

A child changes you, grows you, binds you and if you struggle against this, he drags you, screams, loves you and makes you happy. It’s hard and beautiful, noble and devastating.

Every day is a special day. You couldn’t possibly forget that you have a child, that you have to be better… and I try to be better.

Carla is a big girl now and she knows how efficient my trying is. I yell once in a while, but her blue eyes become shiny like a mirror… reflecting my father. I startle and say to myself: “my God, it wasn’t a dream, it was me!”.

Every day is a celebration and I am very happy every day that you fill my life with color.

And I love you in every sunny, cloudy or rainy day, you gorgeous child arrived from the stars. Every day I run to the Arctic to freeze memories for you and for the Universe that gave you to me.

The race is long and called a life and the marathon is endless.

And I remember how I wanted since I was little to be a good, cool and forever joyful father. And I know I haven’t been perfect, but I apologized every time I crossed the line.

I hope I will get enlightened, I hope I will be perfect, but until then I will write here, my darling, beautiful child, that I love you ten times the infinite.

I find it difficult to write about feelings, I admit. In my family my grandmother loved me without saying it once.

All others have this blockage too in expressing a simple “I love you”. I don’t know why, they know it better and I don’t judge, but I don’t like it so I’ll scream out loud:

“Hey, you all, I love you! And I wish God gave us health and same to him so He can hold us as He did so far!”

I kind of notice that we are lost. But the big rediscovery can only happen when you are lost.

Lost in unconsciousness and memories altered by desires and compared dreams. And we couldn’t wake up from the dream of our own comfort inherited from our predecessors.

But a child should be encouraged to tell you the many things he sees through his big, beautiful eyes.

And maybe when he grows up he will thank you for not forcing him and for letting him be and for loving him.

I love you, my princess, for these children and so much more that can’t be written down because my father in law is a priest and I have’t done my confession yet. 🙂

Happy birthday, Carla, your father loves you limitless! I love you, Aris and Ana, just as much. If I close my eyes, I can’t tell you apart. I love you, Dad, for teaching me how to struggle, I love you, grandmother, for raising me. I love you, sister and brother-in-law, for being all together with happy kids.

I love you, Mom, for having me… and that’s all!

Te iubesc, viata!

Acum un an, pe 21 Martie 2017 demaram in tromba cu Lollipop din fata casei noastre din Taray, Peru.

Acum 13 ani, pe 21 Martie 2005 a aparut in viata noastra Carla. Si acum, cand scriu, memoriile imi invadeaza constiinta si-mi tremura mainile de emotie.

Da, te poti balbai si in scris cand trece un tsunami de emotii prin tine si degetele-ti apasa tastele necontrolat. Nu se pot descrie in cuvinte emotiile unui tata de aceea consider aceste randuri o tentativa.

Astazi se implinesc 13 ani de cand mi s-a schimbat viata. 13 ani de tata, 13 ani invalmasitori de sentimente elastice ce m-au tras din eu in eu.

Un copil te schimba, te dedubleaza, te obliga si daca te opui, te taraste, tipa, te iubeste si te lasa fericit. E greu si frumos, e nobil si devastator.

In fiecare zi de zi, e speciala. N-ai cum sa uiti ca ai copil, ca trebuie sa fii mai bun… si eu incerc sa fiu mai bun.

Carla e mare acum si stie cat de mult imi iese. Mai tip din cand in cand dar ochii ei albastrii prind un luciu in care se oglindeste tata. Ma sperii si-mi zic: – Doamne nu a fost un vis, chiar eu am fost!

Si-n fiecare zi e sarbatoare si ma bucur ne-ncetat de 13 ani ca-mi umplii viata de culoare.

Si te iubesc in fiecare zi cu soare, nori sau ploaie, copil superb venit din stele. In fiecare zi alerg la Arctic sa inghet memorii pentru tine si drept ofranda Universului ca mi te-a trimis.

Cursa e lunga, se numeste viata si maratonul este la infinit.

Si-mi amintesc cum de mic copil imi doream sa fiu un tata bun si misto si vesel la nesfarsit. Si stiu ca n-am fost perfect dar mi-am cerut scuze de fiecare data cand am pasit gresit.

Sper sa ma iluminez, sa fiu perfect dar pana atunci iti dau aici in scris, copilul meu frumos si drag, ca te iubesc la infinit si inapoi de 10 ori.

Ma balbai mult cand scriu de sentimente, recunosc.  La mine in familie mamaie a reusit sa-mi spuna fara sa-mi spuna niciodata, Te iubesc!

In rest, toti sunt blocati sa nu exprime in cuvinte un simplu Te iubesc. Nu stiu de ce, ei stiu mai bine si nu-i judec, numai ca mie nu-mi place si tip tare:

•  Baaaahhh, va iubesc pe toti sa moara Mimi care-a murit! Si sa ne dea Dumnezeu la toti sanatate, si lui la fel, ca sa ne tina-n brate-n continuare.

Ca bag de seama ca fiecare dintre noi s-a cam pierdut!

Dar e normal ca marea regaseala n-are cum sa se intample decat cand esti pierdut.

Pierduti in inconstienta si-n memorii alterate de dorinte si de vise comparate. Si n-avem cum sa ne trezim din visul propriului confort dictat din mosi stramosi.

Dar un copil poate si trebuie lasat sa-ti spuna cat de multe vede prin ochii aia mari, frumosi.

Si poate cand va creste iti va multumi ca nu l-ai chinuit si l-ai lasat sa fie, si l-ai iubit!

Te iubesc printesa mea pentru copiii astia si nu numai pentru atat dar nu pot scrie despre asta ca-i tata socru popa si inca nu m-am spovedit!

La multi ani Carla, te iubeste tati la infinit. Te iubesc Aris si cu Ana, sunteti egali cu Carla. Daca inchid ochii, nu va deosebesc. Te iubesc tata ca m-ai invatat sa ma chinui, te iubesc mamaie ca m-ai crescut. Te iubesc sora-mea si cumnata-miu ca suntem impreuna, cu copiii, fericiti.

Te iubesc mama ca m-ai facut… si atat!